Tag Archives: funny

How wide is your bandwidth?

28 Oct

Is it just me, or does 1.02kbps suck pile-sweat for 3G internet bandwidth? Slow download is an understatement. Seriously, it would be quicker to draw a website from memory with a pencil, after I’ve carved it from a log of firewood with a piece of flint!

I am currently in South Africa, the final frontier for technology, or should I say, the dumping ground for all the rejected rubbish technology that the developed world does not want. We do have ADSL in the office which is pretty good at 100kbps but when it comes to 3G bandwidth, I think this continent is a MASSIVE opportunity for any service provider to come in here, pay the necessary bribes to the numerous corrupt officials, and make an absolute packet, by supplying an internet service at a speed that actually allows us to view news and current affairs, that are actually current, and not from long lost history!

For example, I’ve just read on a BBC news-site, that it’s been confirmed that the Earth is indeed round, and not flat, as originally thought. Is this true?! Wow!

I guess that would explain why my friend Steve, who owns a yacht, is still around, even after years of sailing. I was always nervous whenever he told me he was off on a sailing journey. Sometimes he’d be gone for weeks, and once I actually accepted the fact that he’d fallen off the edge of the Earth, and into the ice-cold abyss, eaten by the starving boogie men that live there. The next day, he rang my doorbell, and I fainted when I answered the door, because I thought his ghost had come to haunt me!

Seriously, this continent is virgin territory for technological development. If you can look past the corruption, have a strong stomach and have a technological gadget that repels flies, then this place is ripe for the picking.

Thank you for listening, and now, back to our regular programming.

My conscience made me do it

13 Oct

From: mindrazor@yahoo.co.uk

Sent: 12 October 2011

To: Melissa

Subject: Ok Ok I’m Sorry!

Dear Melissa

I would like to thank you for hosting this year’s conference on ‘Bean Sprouts, and their impact on the environment’. As expected, it was a very forgettable experience. No offence intended, but come-on…..a conference on bean sprouts? Anyway, I digress. This is not an email letter, conveying my dissatisfaction with your conference hosting abilities. (I’m still working on that one).

We were flying back to Johannesburg after the conference, and we were somewhere over the Drakensberg, when a patch of turbulence suddenly got seriously out of hand! (Remind me to thank the pilot for the advance warning). The turbulence was so severe that I was concerned for my own safety, and I began thinking about all the things I had said and done in the past that would come back to haunt me if the plane didn’t land safely.

One of the things that flashed into mind, was calling you a Bitch during your opening speech at the conference. I thought it was a good idea at the time, (but I can’t think of it right now). Besides the unsolicited laughter from my esteemed colleagues sitting beside me, I could tell you were less than impressed with my ‘feedback’ by the twitch in your left eye, as you paused to glare at me in silence.

I quickly dismissed this thought of you being upset with me (because you probably deserved it) and quickly moved onto the next item on my mental list of plane-crash paranoia. Suddenly, the turbulence got SO bad, I thought the airplane was having and epileptic seizure, throwing itself across the sky in spasms and convulsions!!

This was a sign! (insert eerie twilight zone music here)

After collecting my teeth from the overhead storage bin, fetching my bottle of mineral water from row 22B and going to the lavatory to change my underwear, I decided there and then, that if we survived this plane journey, I would make amends and present you with a written apology for my unpolished behavior. So here goes…

Melissa, I hereby apologize for standing up in the conference and calling you a Bitch at the top of my voice. I promise to be polite and professional in all our future dealings and I look forward to meeting with you again in the near future.

So there, now my conscience is clear and I can go to sleep, knowing that I did what I could to sort this out.

Thank you for listening.

PS: If in fact you really ARE a bitch, then this letter of apology automatically becomes null and void.

Kind regards

Roger Jones

Sales Director

#### LLC